Before I attempt too many more posts like this, I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try to think through what my goal is in writing in this space. Now to be fair, I couldn’t possibly bring myself to title this post “Why I Write” in some Orwellian homage. Like.. why does anybody write?? Surely the urge to “write” .. to feeeel things and commit pen to paper and expressss one’s self is utterly relatable and banal and not worth actually analyzing, right? And that’s all the more reason why the things I actually say here aren’t significant — how could I possibly summon the arrogance to both 1) write; and 2) think that someone else wants to read it?
Anyway. I should try to answer this question. Here’s what I’ve come up with. I think I want to write for two reasons. First, I want to slow my brain down and do what the buzz wordy techno jargon talkers now refer to as “deep thinking” and “deep work.” I want to write here because it takes more effort than just composing a tweet. It’s sustained, developed thought — non unlike what I do at work, but of course, much more personal than that. It’s hard to write a summary judgment brief in an employment discrimination case, sure. It’s a lot of writing, and it takes a great deal of effort, and I care about that writing and I try my hardest to make it good. But it doesn’t matter beyond the confines of that one little case, does it? It’s still just work. It’s not me and it’s not personal, and it doesn’t really help me work through my own thoughts about my life and about the world. Writing on here, in this space might do that. But first, I have to block out everything else. I need to re-focus.. stop fubbing through my phone, stop mindlessly reading tweets or looking at Youtube or doing the New York Times Spelling Bee (oh how I love the Spelling Bee!). I want to write because maybe if I become someone who writes regularly, I will think deeper and slower and be more calm and less anxious about the world around me. That’s the hope, anyway. I don’t want to over-sell it beyond that.
Second, and here’s the significantly more ambitious part of the writing project — I’d like to connect with people. This past year has been devastating in so, so many ways for all of us — and I don’t think it’s possible to understate the harm that’s been caused to our social lives and the way we interact with one another. Close friends have been people we’ll only see on the rarest of occasions under strict protocols, and friends in the middle ring or on the outer edge of the social circle we’ve just cut off entirely. Friends-of-friends are people we might hear about occasionally or be on a group chat with, but that’s it. And when you go this long without having those loose ties and casual interactions with people — when you’re confined to no one but your absolute nearest and dearest for month after month — you just lose a basis for talking to people at all. For the past year, there’s been no way to advance a friendship at all, and even maintaining a friendship at baseline has been damn near impossible.
Which.. sure, I mean.. that’s something we’ve all realized by now. But what does that have to do with writing a Substack?? Fair point. I guess my thinking is.. I’ve done what I can in keeping up with people over text. I’ve sent and replied to the messages. I’ve shared memes, liked posts, followed people on Twitter.. tried to *be present* digitally in peoples lives as a way to not lose touch. But .. to be honest .. it sucks! I hate using social media as a way to stay connected to people. It means constantly checking my phone, constantly seeing who posted what.. constantly seeing who replied to me and what kind of “engagement” I got from people whenever I cast my line out into the Sea of Posts. It just feeds the anxiety monster that I’m so desperate to combat so I can do all that slow thinking / deep work that I was just talking about!
I’m not so naive to think that like.. I’ll write a Substack and then I’ll have more friends or I’ll hear from / connect with my friends more often. But I’d like to think that.. if I start now and get in the habit of thinking and sharing more — if I take it on myself to really set aside time to not just be a constant, unthinking, and passive consumer of ones and zeros — maybe then the interactions that ARE meaningful will come more easily. Maybe I can change the baseline ever so slightly from what it’s been these past 12 months — to where reaching out to people / calling people / inviting people to do stuff won’t seem so foreign as to be impossible.
Admittedly.. I still have to get to the point where I’m comfortable actually sharing this blog first. And that hasn’t happened yet. So.. for now I’m still running my own private little one-person show in a rehearsal space. Just me. I’m ok with that.
I think “normal” life might return much, much faster than we’re all expecting in some ways. Like.. two months. I’m anxious to see what the next two months looks like.
